As if Instagram crawled inside my brain, the memes floated up my screen and my fingers stopped short.
“A person’s most consistent behavior is their true self.”
“Observe people’s habitual behavior patterns/cycles. The truth is in their patterns and cycles. Not so much their words.”
I know these quotes to be true. I understand them. I agree with them. I even preach these ideas to my daughters, but I’ve struggled to react and set boundaries when the words are exactly what I want to hear, yet actions indicate otherwise. I’ve realized that on some level, misaligned words and actions are ultimately a form of manipulation, a way for someone to get what they want, on their terms.
The brain is complex and what seems obvious to others can be difficult or impossible for us to recognize when we are entrenched in a situation. We pretend, make excuses, create distractions or bury ourselves in work to avoid reconciling unacceptable behavior. Clearly, ignoring the dysfunction serves us on some level. It could be social ramifications, discomfort of being alone, or desire to keep the family intact. Whatever the reasoning may be, we all find ways to accept what we shouldn’t. My drug of choice has been empty words. Words bathe me, drench me and I can barely open my eyes to notice that the correlating actions are absent. Over the years I’ve learned I need to be vigilant about words aligning with actions.
When I was young and inexperienced in life, I trusted without thought, but after a breach of trust in my marriage, I’ve protected myself with layers of armour. My wise therapist advised me that trust does not lie within others, but rather within ourselves. It’s inevitable that I will encounter untrustworthy people, so if I accept that as a fact, I can prepare to take actions needed to end negative situations as they arise. I feel well equipped to step away from any relationship that doesn’t serve me, but even after getting burned, my tendency is to believe and trust words even when red flags arise. I think I desperately want to see the best in people, and believe their words are truthful. I’ve tested my ability to identify red flags and get out of situations with friends and suitors as I begin a new life of dating. I must admit, given my bruises, I am guilty of making quick decisions. My friends refer to it as the ‘off with his head’ approach. One slightly pink flag and I’m done. Yet, somehow I still find myself in situations where I’m believing words when the actions don’t align.
Excellent communicators are like catnip to me, uttering all the words I long to hear until I‘m weak in the knees. I hang on every fantastic word that makes me feel beautiful, smart and adored. But, when the actions aren’t in alignment, my gut alerts me with a gentle nudge. While I am aware of the missing pieces, the words are intoxicating. As I reflected on my flaw, it dawned on me that I was ignoring the same signs that surfaced during my unhealthy marriage. While my husband proclaimed he only wanted me, and would make changes to save our marriage, his immoral actions made our private issues very public. Had I not learned anything? Why would I allow myself to fall for this load of bullshit again? Why was I willing to accept the crumbs rather than the loaf? How could someone look me in the eye and recite such impactful, yet empty words? Stepping back from the situation, I can clearly see my brain had ignored the sirens and allowed my emotions to overtake logic, making it easy to pretend it was all ok.
I hate to be jaded, but honestly, I should be jaded after living through what could be a screenplay for a lifetime movie event, but that’s not who I am. It took every ounce of strength to walk away from situations that I wanted to believe could be right, but were glaringly wrong. The silver lining is, I’m learning. It’s taking years to unknot, longer than I would have liked, but recognizing my shortcomings is growth.
Romantic relationships aren’t the only place where the alignment of actions and words are important. The political world today is filled with verbal promises, yet questionable actions. Today, candidates run media ads slandering opponents, accusing them of telling the public one thing, yet voting on the contrary. We do it to ourselves in our personal life. We promise ourselves we will go to the gym and eat healthy, but on a cold, rainy day it’s easier to stay in bed. Words are simple to utter, but when the moment comes to put your money where your mouth is, excuses are not difficult to find. Have I pulled the sheets over my head on a snowy day foregoing the workout? Of course. Have I bailed on a social plan just because I didn’t feel like getting out of my ten year old sweatpants? Of course. So, is ignoring the phrase
‘actions speak louder than words’ based on taking the easy way out, or is it a selfish act to get what we want? Kids do it all the time. “Yes mom, yes mom, yes mom.” My daughters can’t wait to get me off their back, even though their homework may not be completed, or the trash is overflowing.
Another popular phrase ‘talk is cheap’ highlights the value we place on actions. I’ve been thinking alot about this and how I live my life. How often do I catch myself not acting on my words? No one is perfect, but I have to say, in observing myself, I’m stronger in this area than I expected. Maybe because I write more than I talk, it makes my goal a bit easier. I look at my children and I want them to feel my love for them more than hear it. I say I love you to them twenty-five times a day, but I show them by hugging them or attempting to as they slither from my grasp. I cook their favorite foods, help with their homework, and look for any small thing I can do to make their lives easier and feel my love. Most importantly, I show up. I show up to everything. And I think it’s working.
Maybe the answer isn’t that actions or words hold more value than the other, but rather both are equally important. Seems to me you can’t have one without the other. Actions and words can both illicit feelings, but I think the conflict arises when they aren’t the same message. I miss you, followed by the inability to make a plan to see you, I love you with the absence of making you a priority, I’m sorry followed by continued betrayals. Balance and coordination of actions and words is what makes us feel safe and secure with a friend, parent, spouse or lover. So my new mantra is; don’t just tell me, show me too.
