Defining Love
What is love? The pop singers croon through my car stereo all day long about love. I listen to these songs and feel the ache to understand love. I understand what it is to be loved, to lose love, but I don’t think I understand what it means to find true romantic love. Listening to songs about forever, and can’t live without you, l wonder, is that what love is supposed to feel like? Perhaps it’s familiarity? Or, is it chemistry? After watching my marriage swirl around the drain for years, followed by a volatile divorce, I wonder about love daily. Now I certainly know what love is not, but the process of elimination doesn’t seem to give me all the answers. How could I possibly have known what love was walking down the aisle at twenty-four years old? Was I capable of understanding how to be in a love based partnership that would last a lifetime? Was I even in love back then? The answer to those questions came more easily than the ones I have about finding true love today.
My divorce made me ruminate about love more than ever. How do you know when you find it? What does it feel like? How can I be sure this time? Can I trust myself to know? When the newness fades and exciting dates are replaced with real life, what does love look like? Is it a level of comfort that he’ll willingly pick spinach from between my teeth without hesitation? Is it the ability to listen to a song and pick out his favorite line? That I can recite his Starbucks order on command? Yes, believe it or not this is what goes through my brain.
I observe couples interact, and evaluate their connection. I look for hand holding, or an intimate glance. But are these indicators of love? Maybe they are and it’s certainly what I hope for, but is physical affection evidence of true love? I was raised in a home where physical affection between my parents was limited. I remember rare cases where my father would kiss or hug my mother in front of me and “I love you” was shortened to a “love ya’.” I always saw respect and admiration between them. Their friendship and trust was always obvious. It was clear they loved one another and I knew they were happy although affection wasn’t a significant part of their relationship. So, it appears physical affections isn’t a certain indicator of love.
My overthinking has led me to understand, feeling loved is dependent upon which expressions of love resonate with you as an individual. Dr. Gary Chapman developed The 5 Love Languages and he says, “The premise is simple: different people with different personalities express love in different ways. They are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.” Based on Dr. Chapman’s findings, it would seem that knowing how to express love in a way that will resonate with your partner is vital. I’ve taken Chapman’s quiz, and I wonder if a first date conversation should include that my love language is words of affirmation. Loving someone in a way that they will feel truly loved is a concept I hadn’t considered. But Chapman’s love languages still don’t help me identify what love is.
My married friends recently asked what I’m looking for in a relationship. I said I hoped that someone would inspire me to be the best version of myself. My feminist friends sqwaked.
“Why would you need someone else to make you better?” They asked.
Let me clarify. We all have friends, and some are positive influences, some not so much. Some inspire me to get my ass to the gym, others support every excuse I find to forego the workout and inhale oreos while watching Netflix for hours. I want the former. Some people just inspire you to be the best version of yourself. When someone you love supports you in all your endeavors, elevating you to achieve, that feels like love to me. I’m not sure they agreed and I began to realize, love is not a universal definition. The dictionary defines love as; “A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.Sexual passion or desire. To have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person)” I have no idea what that means. Sorry, but that definition does nothing to help me figure out what is love.
We all arrive in relationships with baggage. Things people do will hit us differently and what may make me swoon, could do zero for my best friend. The answer to the question, ‘what is love?’ will likely be different for everyone.
I think love is ultimately what you desire, and what you need to feel at peace, yet lit up all at the same time. Of course there must be attraction, but ultimately, true love ignores looks, wallets, and the opinions of others. I believe love is a deeper connection. When souls connect, the preconceived traits of what love should look like falls away. A connection of minds and souls can’t be derailed by a chin hair, or an unflattering pair of jeans. When my body withers, and my mind fades, I believe, if I find true love, it will remain. The love I want will be filled with compassion, empathy, affection, similar interests, respect, admiration, and a connection that elicits deeper conversations than discussing what you want to eat for dinner. I want a love that is calm in the storm, gives me strength at my weakest, clarity when the fog has rolled in over my mind, smile when tears have drowned me for days. I don’t want performance or the exact right words, just truthful words from the heart without hesitation or premeditation. That may be a tall, idealistic order, but that’s my definition, and in the end I think we all create our own definition of what love is. Some of us can feel more deeply than others. I am complex, ( OK maybe overly complex to be fair) but not everyone has my overthinker’s disease. Some are content with a more simple connection. You like pasta, I like pasta. You like the beach, I like the beach. And that’s OK. More than OK. That’s someone else’s definition of ‘what is love?’ I think I’ll stick with my belief that love is defined individually. You define your love and I’ll define mine.
