Sugar Rush
I’ve never been a diet kinda girl. I just can’t hack it. I can watch what I eat, limit some things, but a full, restrictive diet? Never. Never have, never could, never did. I was raised in a house where on weekends my father would stumble into the kitchen, toss a bag of chips ahoy and mallomars at my sister and I and go back to bed. Our house had yogurt and carrots but we were also stocked with soda, cookies and chips. When a waiter approached our table asking if we would like to see the dessert menu, we answered with a resounding yes. I find myself in hibernation mode and with nowhere to go during a pandemic, I spend my days grazing through the pantry. A little pretzels here, a little chocolate there, it adds up. The scale was slowly ticking up, while my energy levels were dragging, so in an effort to gain control over my thoughtless eating, I decided to try a cleanse. My friend had recommended it and I hung on every word as she described the results after the five day diet. She raved about the numerous health benefits and how clear she felt after the five days. I was sold. The week’s worth of food arrived in a box, nothing to buy or prep.How convenient. Resetting my system and breaking out of the unhealthy patterns I had settled into was exactly what I was looking for. Food has never been a major part of my life, always just a necessity, so although I didn’t like diets, I always believed I could succeed if I just set my mind to it. Many said I might want to consider waiting until after the holidays and start in the new year, but I felt I was ready and was longing for a kick in the ass. Monday arrived and I was fully committed.
Day One.
I’m totally fine. I can do this. I am eager and confident. I’m feeling a bit hungry and around 3PM my energy drops, but that’s normal for me. I am doing great.
Day Two.
I’m again feeling strong and happy I’ve committed to my health. I can do this. It’s 5PM and I’m feeling a bit hungry and a little bloated.
I’m amazed at how much I’ve been thinking about food. Do I always think about food like this? My cravings have been tolerable and aren’t interfering with my resolve to complete the cleanse. Look at me! Successfully dieting! Impressive. I am having fantasies about pizza, but I can take it. I feel great. I even had a restful full night’s sleep.
9PM-A bit of cramping and bloating has set in. This isn’t so fun. My belly looks like I’m six months pregnant, and if one more person tells me to just toot, I’m going to strangle them. If I could toot and look normal again don’t you think I’d take that option? Is hunger anger (hanger, or hangry) setting in? I think it might be. I have to tinkle every thirty minutes, but maybe this is designed to secretly add some exercise into my routine. I’m all in, but I’m starting to feel the challenge in dieting. It’s ok. I got this. Please hold..I have to tinkle…another side effect from the cleanse.
Day Three.
Fcking day three. I almost ate a huge hunk of stale challah this morning, unitil my daughter intercepted it. She reached out and slammed my hand sending the challah plummeting to the floor. “NOOOOO!! Mom!!! Don’t do it!” I watched as the bread spun around in slow motion as it bounced on the wood floor. Thankfully, she quickly grabbed it and threw it in the garbage because all I kept thinking was the five second rule is certainly in play. All day I’ve been dreaming of coffee with milk and sugar. And pizza. Plain pizza, salad pizza, any pizza. The pizza won’t leave my head. I mean, I like pizza but it wouldn’t make my top three list. Pizza is haunting me and taunting me. No sugar plums dancing, only pizza slices. My girls requested take out from our favorite italian restaurant and I’m salivating. Literally. I rarely indulge in pasta but tonight it’s screaming my name. Watching my girls scarf down the pasta as I sip the water like white bean soup which has no beans to speak of is a tough moment. Oliver’s soup must have tasted better than my white bean because he asked for more. I certainly don’t want more by choice and it’s against the rules. I have not yet broken the rules. I am remembering why I hate diets. I made it through day three. I did it. I’m hiding in bed and a millimeter away from saying fck this and eat every damn thing in this house. I rushed to bed early because I was hungry and a little cranky. I really wanted to break the diet. Badly. I clicked on the television and dozed until my daughters were home for the night. I am literally about to order Dominos pizza. I’m not even joking. I hate Domino’s pizza. But I want it. Maybe those commercials have subliminal messages.
Day Four.
I’m impressed I made it through the night without Domino’s cartons strewn across my bedroom floor. I had a dream I had ordered four pies and still wanted more. It was a rough night. Not gonna lie. Despite the pizza dreams I slept soundly and more than usual. I feel a bit tired but waking up at 7AM to wrangle three dogs, and then snuggle the puppy is a busy morning when you’ve spent the night dreaming of the various ways to eat a slice of pizza. I’ve also discovered that puppy snuggles make me sleepy. I’m teetering on the edge but with two more days, I’m close, yet so far. My vantage point flips throughout each hour that passes. I truly thought this would be a great reset and I would detox from all the grazing and unnecessary sugar, but the exact opposite is happening. I want to inhale any and all crap food I can get my hands on. I’m forming lists in my head of what to eat first and it’s not celery sticks and quinoa. Technically, I am supposed to eat clean and healthy on day six but I can hear the gurgling of a glass of red wine being poured in my ears. I texted with my friend who is acting as my mentor, and she reminded me of all the good I am doing for my body on a cellular level. The lack of food may have made her words less impactful but I was thankful for her support. The angel and devil are firmly on each shoulder. Angel isn’t really influencing me to be honest, my friend who has raved about this diet and is helping me through is acting as the angel here. This diet is not making me happy, but I feel good, better in some ways, so it will be interesting to see what wins out. I do have more energy and feel clearer but at what price? I never thought I would be the one to say sacrificing food would be an issue for me, but it seems to be calling a lot into question for me. My friend just informed me I will ruin all the health benefits I had started to create inside my body if I break the diet. Ugh. I committed for almost four full days successfully. Ok almost successfully, I did sneak a few peanuts on day three. My girls don’t have school today and this aspect I did not consider. I would love to take them for a nice lunch but can I ask the waiter to boil up some powdered soup mix? Is that acceptable? And if he accidentally dropped some whole white beans in the soup is that really my fault? My friend suggested I play some board games with them in lieu of lunch, “Try Exploding Kittens. Our family loves that game!” My mind and stomach churned. I cannot eat that soup again. I just can’t. My natural tendency to please people kicked in. I even considered lying to my friend out of guilt, but then I remembered this is for me. Shamed crept into my thoughts, but then I realized, wait, I have to be honest with myself and with her. I complete very rigorous physical activities,and challenge myself, but sometimes you have to say, it’s enough for me, which is not equivalent to failing or giving up, it’s listening to your body and inner voice. I didn’t make it through day four. I found myself inside Phil’s pizzeria waiting for a hot slice of average pizza. It wasn’t great pizza, but it was pizza and that was enough.
Since my fall from grace I’ve been thinking, would I prefer seeing that high number on my scale or feel the effects of food deprivation? I thought food didn’t really matter to me, but I’ve learned a lot about my relationship with food and eating. I like food. I missed choosing my food. I realized I do care about what I eat and I prefer to control my diet. If I’m cranky, unhappy, anti-social,and consumed with cravings, is it really worth it? Some may say yes, for me it’s a hard no. I didn’t realize it but my attempt at a cleanse was an opportunity for me to test out trusting myself. Far too often I have worried about pleasing others at the expense of what my gut is telling me. There was a time when being perfect was vital to my existence, but it became exhausting to live with those expectations.
I used to beat myself up for not eating perfectly, and would be upset with the way I looked, but now I see there are trade offs. Do I need to look perfect? What is perfect? Who established this ideal? I know I need balance to maintain happiness. The pizza in moderation serves a purpose. A purpose of choice and control over what I want to eat even if it isn’t on the approved list. Even if it stops me from having an instagram worthy body. I don’t want to give up all the foods necessary to achieve that aesthetic, and I think this cleanse taught me that. I admit I am not willing to eliminate sugar and carbs, because I enjoy them. The cost benefit is not worth it to me. I’m naturally a healthy eater, so this diet was taking it one step further and I’m happy I tried. In my mind the cleanse was a huge success because I learned something valuable about myself and my relationship with food. So, I will continue my pattern of eating a perfectly healthy meal and then happily shoving a chocolate something or other in my mouth without guilt.
